I made it. Or I guess I should say we made it. They girls turned 6 months on Sunday! Half of the first year is over and we are actually doing pretty well. Not to say that we have it down or things are easy, it could just be much worse. I struggle daily with making sure everyone gets every thing they need. I don’t just mean the basics, food and such. I struggle with making sure everyone is stimulated, feels loved and gets individual attention. The cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the basics is easy. Trying to potty train a stubborn toddler, give the girls enough time to roll around and practice sitting up every day is hard. Teaching Lennox the ABCs and how to write his name is hard. Those things need my full attention and there’s not a lot of that to go around.

I feel pretty ashamed about Lennox, he cannot recite the ABCs. I’ve been singing them to him since the beginning. I’ve put them up on the wall, printed work sheets, and he’s been in preschool for the last 6 months but still no ABCs. I don’t push but definitely bring them up daily. It makes me sad and frustrated. I have to come up with a new way to teach them. Maybe paint letters on race cars…I don’t know. I should add he can identify the letters and can even pick out his name, Aidan’s name, and Cuba and Cora’s names. I just can’t get them to come out of him in order.

Really I’ve been feeling like a pretty craptastic parent all the way around. The most I can say for the last 6 months is that we’re all still here. Aidan teases me with the potty. Before the girls were born Aidan was potty trained, after he forgot that we had a potty. The girls are 6 months old and he’s still in diapers. I ask him “hey wana go in the potty, instead of these yucky old diapers?” He says no, he likes the diapers. He likes them so much he is willing and able to change them himself. I spend a good bit of time sitting down nursing. One day Aidan stood in front of me took off his pants then his diaper. Told me it was full and he needed a new one. Then proceeded to fish out an old pull up (I bought a while back in hopes of re-inspiring his use of the potty) and put it on and then his pants. Now if only he could change the poopie ones, then I think I may not care how long he stays in diapers.

Then we have the girls. They only sleep in their room for about 2 hours at night. I give up and bring them to bed with us. I’m already so tired all the time I can’t imagine the loss of sleep that would go into getting them into their own beds-that is if it’s even possible. I feel like a failure for that, when really right now it is what it is. The girls nurse and the easiest way to get through the night is for them to sleep with us. I get some sleep but pretty much no break from them. When you spend 24/7 with someone they tend to get on your nerves, and the girls do. I love them with out limits but good grief some times.

I feel bad because I find myself wishing this year away. Wanting it to go by fast so we can get to a time when I’m no longer nursing and they are walking or at least able to sit on their own. I’ve said to myself, if I’m unhappy then I need to make changes. The problem is the only thing I can change at the moment is my attitude. I have to accept that this is what it is right now. It’s not always going to be this way, really these days things change on a daily basis. I gave the boys myself completely for the first year of their lives and it’s the least I can do for the girls. Knowing all this isn’t helping change my attitude, I feel selfish.

Sorry for sending out bad vibes. I’ve got a lot to work out in my head and sometimes it helps to put it down for my eyes to see. Being a parent is complicated, stressful, and the hardest job in the world, but it also pays better then any other job in the world. If you don’t believe me ask any parent, they’ll tell you the same.