Working things through

I’ve been accused of being selfish and disrespectful for my last post. I am not either of those things. I am tired of pretending. I am trying to deal with the loss of my mom. I am going to deal with it openly and honestly. I am going to write about it. I’m going to say it out loud. It’s not a dirty little secret; it’s a fact of my life.
My mom was a good person, she was friendly and approachable. Many of my people skills are directly from her. She taught to be nice even when you want very badly to be rude, you get farther in life keeping your cool. So obviously manners were very important in my house growing up. I am unbending when it comes to enforcing good manners with my own kids because of it. Her idea of manners and politeness went way beyond please and thank you. She taught me how much a smile or kind word can affect someone. How a hand on someone’s shoulder can change their entire mood. This goes so much farther then making someone else feel better, it’s being aware of the world and people around you. It’s knowing you make a difference. If I can pass anything from her onto my children it will be this.
I love my mother very much, and have more than a life times worth of good things to say about her. But I am also angry and hurt. Those feelings are going to seep into everything I write for I don’t know how long. I would love to and often try to lose myself in all those good memories but I always end up back at the anger and pain.

babies Bub courtney mom mother the kiddos

We’re moving

It’s been 3 weeks today that my mom passed. It’s an odd thing to say. I’ve run into that over and over in these past weeks, how do you tell people. How do you tell them without it being awkward? I’ve discovered it’s always going to be awkward. Its funny being worried about making people feel bad about your own loss.
My mom’s death was not sudden. Many who know me know my mom had Multiple Sclerosis. That is not what took her life. She lost a battle with alcohol and died from cirrhosis of the liver. I shouldn’t even really say she lost a battle, I don’t know that she left this world thinking she had a problem.
Some where a long the road she began to self medicate, MS and drinking do not go hand-n-hand. Most of the medications are already hard on the liver, oh and guess what alcohol only makes the symptoms of MS worse. Unknowing, or not accepting this reality she just increased her intake, until alcohol was in control. Nothing was more important and then she gave up.
She left behind many confused and hurt people. That’s the crappy part about death, the dead move on but we are left behind to deal with life with out them. We all say it’s good they’re not in pain any more, and they’re in a better place…but what about us. The people left behind that still need them.
My mom never met my daughters, one of which looks just like her-down to her sideways smile. Lennox will be the only one who has any memories of her and they will be few, but good. She was an excellent grandma, and my heart breaks for my children because they will only know stories of her.
Life doesn’t stop, it doesn’t even slow down when you lose someone. I was in VA for a week, came home and hit the ground running. I had to register Lennox for school right away, which went so badly that we are now moving.
Registering Lennox for kindergarten left me in tears, insanity the complications! I put it in God’s hands and guess what – he provided. I drove by a house for rent in the neighborhood that Lennox’s preschool’s in and pow bang boom we’re moving! I have two more weeks to pack, and it’s actually not going to bad.
The new house is so insanely nice that it boggles my mind! It’s huge and in such a nice a neighborhood. We don’t even have to cross a street to take Lennox to school. I’m so excited to move in, this month is not going to go by fast enough. I’m thankful for moving, it gives me something to think about besides my mom.
lennox and grandma