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Tori Amos

I’m watching/listening to an old performance on a public access channel. It brings me back to the first time I heard her. A friend had Little Earth Quakes on tape and she played Crucify for me…I was 14. Maybe it was her voice or what she sang about but I was hooked, not even fully understanding all the lyrics. I loved singing along and imagining my future as a singer. All that time spent in my basement bedroom belting out “So you can make me come that doesn’t make you Jesus” good acoustics down there. I love how music can take you so vividly back. The memories run like a movie as the music plays. Winter played in Wendy’s car as we drove to the first day of my junior year at a new school in a new town in a new state. Thinking I was alone in my new apartment in San Francisco I sang along with Black Dove(loudly) as I unpacked…feeling free and excited by my new life. One of my roomates was home after all came to my room to see if it was me singing. I was really embarrassed…but he assured me I had nothing to be embarrassed about. Then after rebuying Under the Pink from Ameoba music on haight street…Past the Mission played in the background as my soon to be husband and I listen for Trent Reznor. It was a beautiful day and every time I hear that song I remember that excited new love feeling. When Lennox was a baby I would dance in the dark singing Sorta Fairytale softly until he feel asleep. So many memories…

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We watched a very sad movie last night – The Notebook. One of the few love stories Evan has sat through, so it was pretty good. The main characters (noah and alli) have an amazing romance, your typical disaproving parents from different sides of the track fight all the odds and end up together love. The movie is told as a story by a man in a nursing home to a woman with dementia. You don’t know for sure at the beginning but it is Noah reading to Alli who no longer remembers him or anything else in her life. That is the sad part, how unfavor that a disease like that exsits. Your life time of memories gone, who you are gone. You no longer recognize the man you have loved all your life or any of your children or grandchildren. Evan said last night he would rather have cancer or something like it then dementia. My first thought is what is difference, you are still dying atleast with dementia it’s maybe not so painful for you. It seems it would be equally painful for your family….then I realized dememtia would be much much worse. Watching your spouse, mother, best friend deteriorate and not being able to comfort them in the way that only you can. Knowing they feel alone and lost and you can’t help them. Them knowing you is part of what makes you – you. I guess from my perspective it is worse to lose our mental selves then our physical. Yeah we put a lot into the physical but in the end- it really is what’s inside that counts.

Lennox woke up an hour early again and this time I’m not motivated making muffins a what not. I’m tired. My mother in law once told me “as soon as you have them (kids) figured out they will change” And man was she right. It used to be we get through some difficult time with Lennox eating or sleeping – mostly sleeping and he’d be doing really well and I would breath a sigh of relief and the breath had not even finished leaving my lips when boom a new twist. I have learned to not get used to any small patterns in his behavior ….good or bad they will change. Like right now he is finally really easy to put to bed. He will actually grab your hand and lead you to his crib then ask to get in. Can you belive that! After so many months of only nursing to sleep then only rocking sleep he now goes down all by himself. It’s nice and every night that it continues to happen I’m suprised. He’s been doing this for a while now but now will wake up crying either in the middle of the night or an hour early. I hate the waking up crying…it’s so much nicer for me to wake up to his babbling in the baby monitor then to a shrill i just broke my leg scream. But atleast he’s still sleeping like 12 hours a night. But if that ends I can handle it…I think. Sleep deprivation seems to be A number one thing that comes along with being a new mom. So maybe it should change so I’m not so used to getting 8-9 hours of sleep a night when Aidan comes. I’m not looking forward to the every 2 hour feedings. Although when I got used to it I loved sharing that quiet moment with Lennox in the middle of the night. He slept with us pretty much his entire first year and would nurse all night long. It was when I woke up to switch him to the other ninny(breast) that I would look down at him asleep so peaceful – a perfect little angel. He would be snugled in my arm and I could smell his hair and touch his little face. It’s funny people tell you how much your going to love the baby before you have it but you really have no idea how much or what kind of love you’re going to feel. It’s like nothing else in the world. We have decided that we are not going to co-sleep this time. Co-sleeping is a funny thing, it only works if everyone is in agreement. And once you start it’s extremely hard to stop. It’s so easy to just lay down and nurse and then before you know it your sleeping. People(doctors) say that co-sleeping is very unsafe…but we never had any problems. Granted Lennox always slept cradled in my arm in between me and the mesh bedrail. Evan and I never went to bed roaring drunk or still high from the smack smoking parties we’d have every night…you do know I’m kidding right?!? I became a really light sleeper…the moment anyone moved I was awake and checking on everything. I think that’s another mom thing…even now I can be dead asleep and a small creek on the monitor will have me up and listening. Ok off to really start the day!
Lennox in his frog boots
Perfect attire for Saturday morning cartoons

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Welcome to mooshoopork

My first entry of what I hope to be many rants and raves about life. So I’m sitting here thinking of what to write. Typing-backspacing-retyping and all I can think about is the bag of soft baked Pepperidge Farm cookies I bought for Evan and said I wasn’t going to eat. I can think of nothing else… not what happened today or yesterday or even 5 minutes ago… just COOKIES! I give in…walking back from the kitchen-annoyed- I tell Evan I’m opening your cookies. Cookies are the devil! Like most women I would usually sit and think about the cookies/ice cream/chips ect until I gave in – ate them then felt guilty afterward and worried about how fat I was going to get. Well haha I’m already fat being 6 months pregnant and after going to the doctor today and finding out I’ve only gained 11 lbs so far I don’t feel a bit guilty! Oh no wait there it is… GUILT now I must walk an extra half hour tomorrow to make up for the 3 cookies I just ate… errr why do we torture ourselves? Really why?

I just saw the person who inspired this site on ABC World News tonight. Heather Armstrong and her adorable daughter Leta. She is the mastermind behind A friggin hilarious webblog about her life! If by some weird chance you have come upon this site before finding hers… definitely check it out. Anyhow the story was about people losing their jobs because of what they write on the internet. We tuned in and were disappointed at how short it was. (and having to sit through all the other news crap) There sure is a lot going around these days about webblogs… this all new to me and i’ve actually only read 2 and then Both are written well and very funny! I’ve read there are 8,500 people writing webblogs about their children (NY Times) Gesh, so do I still want to do this – be 8,501? Of course I do… because like other sites I’ve been to I won’t only be writing about my children. I will be writing about life from the point of view of a stay at home mom… sure there will be lots of stories about my child soon to be children… but there is also lots of humor in my daily life – enough to share. Maybe someone will relate to my stories like I have related to others… maybe make someone laugh or just smile.

All for now

Ps… I’m also lucky enough to have an extremely talented husband to build and design this site for me!