We watched a very sad movie last night – The Notebook. One of the few love stories Evan has sat through, so it was pretty good. The main characters (noah and alli) have an amazing romance, your typical disaproving parents from different sides of the track fight all the odds and end up together love. The movie is told as a story by a man in a nursing home to a woman with dementia. You don’t know for sure at the beginning but it is Noah reading to Alli who no longer remembers him or anything else in her life. That is the sad part, how unfavor that a disease like that exsits. Your life time of memories gone, who you are gone. You no longer recognize the man you have loved all your life or any of your children or grandchildren. Evan said last night he would rather have cancer or something like it then dementia. My first thought is what is difference, you are still dying atleast with dementia it’s maybe not so painful for you. It seems it would be equally painful for your family….then I realized dememtia would be much much worse. Watching your spouse, mother, best friend deteriorate and not being able to comfort them in the way that only you can. Knowing they feel alone and lost and you can’t help them. Them knowing you is part of what makes you – you. I guess from my perspective it is worse to lose our mental selves then our physical. Yeah we put a lot into the physical but in the end- it really is what’s inside that counts.

Lennox woke up an hour early again and this time I’m not motivated making muffins a what not. I’m tired. My mother in law once told me “as soon as you have them (kids) figured out they will change” And man was she right. It used to be we get through some difficult time with Lennox eating or sleeping – mostly sleeping and he’d be doing really well and I would breath a sigh of relief and the breath had not even finished leaving my lips when boom a new twist. I have learned to not get used to any small patterns in his behavior ….good or bad they will change. Like right now he is finally really easy to put to bed. He will actually grab your hand and lead you to his crib then ask to get in. Can you belive that! After so many months of only nursing to sleep then only rocking sleep he now goes down all by himself. It’s nice and every night that it continues to happen I’m suprised. He’s been doing this for a while now but now will wake up crying either in the middle of the night or an hour early. I hate the waking up crying…it’s so much nicer for me to wake up to his babbling in the baby monitor then to a shrill i just broke my leg scream. But atleast he’s still sleeping like 12 hours a night. But if that ends I can handle it…I think. Sleep deprivation seems to be A number one thing that comes along with being a new mom. So maybe it should change so I’m not so used to getting 8-9 hours of sleep a night when Aidan comes. I’m not looking forward to the every 2 hour feedings. Although when I got used to it I loved sharing that quiet moment with Lennox in the middle of the night. He slept with us pretty much his entire first year and would nurse all night long. It was when I woke up to switch him to the other ninny(breast) that I would look down at him asleep so peaceful – a perfect little angel. He would be snugled in my arm and I could smell his hair and touch his little face. It’s funny people tell you how much your going to love the baby before you have it but you really have no idea how much or what kind of love you’re going to feel. It’s like nothing else in the world. We have decided that we are not going to co-sleep this time. Co-sleeping is a funny thing, it only works if everyone is in agreement. And once you start it’s extremely hard to stop. It’s so easy to just lay down and nurse and then before you know it your sleeping. People(doctors) say that co-sleeping is very unsafe…but we never had any problems. Granted Lennox always slept cradled in my arm in between me and the mesh bedrail. Evan and I never went to bed roaring drunk or still high from the smack smoking parties we’d have every night…you do know I’m kidding right?!? I became a really light sleeper…the moment anyone moved I was awake and checking on everything. I think that’s another mom thing…even now I can be dead asleep and a small creek on the monitor will have me up and listening. Ok off to really start the day!
Lennox in his frog boots
Perfect attire for Saturday morning cartoons