Some days the pain in my heart is so great that I think it might stop beating. I can’t begin to tell you how often something will hit me just right and I have to hide in the bathroom and cry. Then there are all the times I cry right out in the open…it’s happening less and less these days. Sometimes it feels like a dream, completely unreal and unbelievable. Not enough time has passed. I’m still so angry, angry at her, and my father. So angry I can’t bring myself to talk to him and we’ve got two years of silence under our belts now. I don’t know if there will ever be a time when I am not angry. Two years, every day of which I say “I should probably go talk to someone”…you know maybe a therapist. I’ve got lots of unresolved things floating around, and I’m not so sure my ignoring them forever is going to work. It’s funny though, every other aspect of my life is good. My little family is growing and thriving, we are good, happy. I don’t understand how I can this ever present hole and pain in my heart and yet be happy and thrive. I don’t understand it but I can tell you it has made much more introspective. Introspective and careful. Careful with myself and the people I love. I am different person now. To say her death changed me would be huge understatement. It changed everything I thought I knew about my life and most of the people in it.
This night two years ago I sat on a couch opposite my mom in her living room,watching her breath. I watched her for hours until her breathing slowed and finally stopped. I was happy to be with her as she left this world. Happy to hold her hand and whisper how much she would be missed, but that it was ok for her to go. In those early morning hours my heart broke in a way that can not be fixed. I will always have a scar and it will always hurt. But I can’t change it so I have to put more and more of myself into my happy life and less into what I can not change. Tomorrow I will do things that make me feel good, and I will feel grateful for my happy life and thriving family…I might even have to drag them to Red Lobster for an admirals feast in my mom’s honor :)
From last year…