I have finally given in –I’m not super woman. Going out with kids alone right now is just too stressful. Yeah I can do it, but I don’t want to. It makes me angry mommy, and that’s not the mommy I want to be. I just don’t know what I’m doing this time around. Before I would just throw the baby into the mix, they fit into the flow of our lives not vice-versa. I’ve been trying really hard to do that this time around, even though in the back of my mind I knew it was not realistic-but I had to try. It’s just not going to work. I don’t have enough hands, arms, or patience. So I give in. I no longer care if I show up to drop off Lennox at school un-showered and covered in spit up. I mean if I changed my shirt every time I got spit up on I would be washing every thing I own every day. I’m tired of breaking speed records in the shower too. I want to stop putting off shaving my legs because there is no time. I’m going to shower when there is time. And so what if I wear the same sweat pants every day-they’re comfortable. I guess what I’m ranting about is trying to hard and adding unnecessary stress. I’m sinking, but only because I’ve tied bricks to my feet. It’s only been two months and I’m asking too much of myself. I stress about the girls, about the boys, about Ev. I stress about losing weight and shape of my body. I stress about clothes, and my hair and really just how I look-so stupid and vain. I feel overwhelmed by toys and laundry. I put to much pressure on myself to keep up with things that don’t matter, and then I walk around stressed out. I’m just not going to do it any more.
The kids are all doing well despite my short comings. The girls are spending a lot more time awake and for the most part happy. They will sit in their bouncy seats and be entertained by their brothers. They’re lucky girls to be loved so much, the boys fight over who gets to sing to them or who gets to shake a toy for their enjoyment. What’s funny about that is I never said they had to take turns but they just can’t stand sharing their sisters. The girls love it too. They smile big wide mouth toothless grins and use their whole bodies to squeal with excitement. It’s an awesome sight to see them interact they way they do.
Our house has been taken over by germs I can’t seem to get ride of. We all have colds and it will seem like everyone’s getting better and then we fall right back into it. I’ve tried to contain things but it’s not very helpful when you have a couple of boys who think any that will stand still long enough is a tissue. And for some reason feel compelled to stand over and or near the girls every time they cough. They are slowly getting better about covering their mouths but the nose wiping thing is out of control. I’m starting to think the only solution is to set fire to the place and start fresh. Unfortunately that’s not really an option…any suggestions?