I spent most of today in my head. It was a lonely, sad, hormonal day. I have these days from time to time. Days when I don’t get dressed or shower…pj days. Days when I stay inside my thoughts. It’s hard feeling lost inside your own life…like life is living you. These kind of days make me feel everything so much more intensely. The normal frustrations turn to anger, then to guilt for having no patience. These days it’s hard to be me, in my life.
In my daily reads I came across two very different ways life can go…one woman lost her baby in the 20th week. I read this one first. It broke my heart to think of being pregnant with your first child, finding out the sex, making plans…only to lose it all. I can’t imagine having to tell everyone. It makes me sick to think of the pain, the pain that only she understands. The pain that only time can dull, but nothing can get ride of. It makes me appreciate my two healthy boys…my two easy healthy pregnancies. I feel very blessed. I wish that it wasn’t at the expense of someone losing something so precious.
The second was a journal entry of what another woman was thankful for…her husband, extended family, and baby boy growing in her tummy. It brought me back to when Bub was growing in my belly. I remember very vividly the excitment and how eager I was to have him in my arms. I wanted to feed him, bath him, just care for him. So ready to really be a mommy. The days seem to go by so slowly. I had no idea how my life would really change…how much I was capable of feeling. How wonderful and horrifying it would be. Going through the whole experience, pregnancy-child birth-caring for your baby, changes you…it makes you strong.