Ok so it’s 8:30pm here on this amazing thursday night…Ev went out to dinner with some friends so it’s just me and the boys. The boys which I have successfully put to bed-YUP both boys are at this moment in bed asleep(well bub is almost). I’m in awe and only expecting it to last a few minutes, so I thought I’d take advantage and write a little. Life with 2 kiddos is getting easier. We seem to be finding a groove that works and the days are starting to fly by-instead of drag as I prayed for Ev to come home each day. Bub is getting good at his role as big brother and is now a pretty good and reliable helper. He gets me diapers and helps bath the baby (well really he just likes to play in the water but it definitely changes his mood the moment I say hey wana help mommy bath the baby). I find that beyond the boys things with me go back and forth. I’m sure it’s just the hormones switching course but it doesn’t make the transition time any easier for any of us. I feel lonely a lot and I didn’t really when it was just Bub and I. I wonder if it’s because we were always on the go, no time to feel lonely. Now we are at home a lot because going out is an adventure. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself or the boys. And of course I have too much time to think…am I doing this whole thing right. Blaming myself for what ever isn’t perfect in our lives. And although I have all this time to think… I rarely have time to express any of it. By the time everyone is settled in for the night all I want to do is close my eyes and shut down. I waste the small amout of time Ev and I have to ourselves mulling over day to day things. I miss him and don’t get to spend the time I want to. But I remind myself there will be plenty of us time in the future…and plenty of time to shower -eat -go to the bathroom alone in the future. I know I’ll look back and my heart will hurt for the time when my boys needed me so dearly-when I was their world. They will always be mine.

Ok so as I’m typing the last line Mo wakes up :( but that was half an hour of me time! and now he’s back asleep…I think I’ll join him